


are you sexually active?

by gothxchewbacca



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Minor Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker, ahsoka and aayla are anakin’s mean little sisters, anakin hates the medcentre, obi wan is so done, the jedi council suck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:34:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24401416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gothxchewbacca/pseuds/gothxchewbacca
Summary: anakin gets a concussion & the jedi find out he’s been breaking their code
Comments: 6
Kudos: 100





	are you sexually active?

**Author's Note:**

> this was inspired by a meme i saw & my friend told me to write it. it is definitely not canon/not intended to be canon, just here for a laugh!  
> i haven’t edited this either so sorry for the many mistakes that are probably in there! 😕

Anakin Skywalker wasn’t a stranger to injury. His Padawan years saw him landed in the Halls of Healing more times than he could count, and Master Che no longer batted an eyelid at his presence in some state of distress. After years of dealing with the less-than-cooperative young Jedi, she now simply patched him up and sent him on his way, before he could do himself further damage by trying to escape.

Which was exactly why now, when he was  seriously in pain, he was taken to a Coruscant public medcentre, rather than the Halls of Healing. That, and that the medcentre had been much  much closer to their location, and Mace Windu, despite his general dislike for the reckless knight, was pretty concerned that the man was going to die.

“‘m fine!” Anakin slurred. “J’s’ s’n’ aaaaaah... kriff.”

Mace rolled his eyes. “Yes, I’m sure you’re  fine , Skywalker,” he muttered.

Anakin kicked his leg out in front of him. Mace remained seated and unflinching in the medcentre waiting room, ignoring the petulant overgrown child beside him.

“W’n go hoooooome,” Anakin moaned. “G’ me s’m bacta ‘n be fine.”

“Skywalker, you threw up on my boots ten minutes ago.”

Anakin kicked his leg again, pouting.

A medical droid hurried into the room.

“I’m terrible sorry for the wait, Jedi Masters,” they said apologetically.

Two other droids followed, guiding a gurney into the room.

“D’n need that!” Anakin insisted. “‘m.....  stars ,” he swore, gazing around the room with unfocused eyes.

“Get on the stretcher, Skywalker,” Mace growled.

Two of the droids helped Anakin onto the gurney. The young man gazed around mindlessly, aware yet also unaware of his surroundings. Mace watched, irritated, as Anakin did absolutely nothing to help the medical droids.

Footsteps soon sounded, and Mace was joined by a few fellow members of the Order as Anakin lolled over the side of the gurney.

“So it’s as bad as I feared,” Obi Wan voiced.

Mace sighed. “He’s your Padawan. Deal with it.”

“Oh, I’m afraid he’s no longer my responsibility,” Obi Wan replied smugly. “Ahsoka?”

“Well he’s not  my responsibility!” the young girl cried. “I’m  his responsibility!”

“I’m only here to take holos and laugh as his misery,” Aayla said honestly.

“So am I,” Ahsoka agreed, holding up her communicator.

Mace decided to deal with  those two problems another day.

“Whilst I wish not to claim responsibility for Skywalker, I suppose I shall act as the responsible one, if I must,” Ki Adi Mundi offered. 

Anakin was finally wrestled onto the gurney and taken through for examination. A medication was administered, and Anakin moaned in relief as he felt the drugs surge through his body and his mind slowly begin to come back to him.

“Could you please state your name and date of birth for us?” a medical droid asked Anakin as they settled him in.

The young man frowned. “Did you lose my records?” he asked bluntly.

Half the Jedi snickered. The other half wanted to punch the young knight.

“We must confirm your identity,” the medical droid said. “Could you please state your name and date of birth for us?”

“Anakin Skywalker, age... maybe 22? Who knows. I was born in 3236,” Anakin said.

The medical droid fussed with a datapad for a few moments.

“...Year does not calculate,” they concluded. “Please state your date of birth.”

Anakin gave a frustrated sigh.

Obi Wan rolled his eyes. “Wrong calendar, Anakin. The first day of 7936 is what we put you as, when granting your Republic citizenship,” he reminded the young man.

Anakin shot an annoyed look at the droid. “That isn’t my real birthday — probably — but will it make you happy?”

The droid tapped at the datapad. “Identity confirmed. Initial scans suggests mild brain damage caused by a grade three severe concussion.”

Ahsoka snorted. “ _ Knew _ he was brain damaged.”

Aayla laughed, despite the scowl that Mace and Ki were shooting in hers and Ahsoka’s direction.

“Permission to complete a thorough examination?” the medical droid asked. “Records indicate it has been quite some time since Mr Skywalker received any medical examination. It is advisable to do this, especially given his current condition.”

“Yes, please,” Ki said. “We find it hard to keep him confined to the Halls of Healing for long.”

“Master Che and I have a deal,” Anakin replied.

“Like Master like Padawan,” Aayla teased, nudging Obi Wan.

The bearded man sighed. “I shall take no criticism,” he said.

“Mr Skywalker? Permission to examine?” the droid asked the patient.

Anakin snickered. “ _ Mr _ Skywalker. So _fancy_.”

“My apologies,” the droid said. “Your title is unlisted on your records. Do you have a preferred title?”

“He’s a Knight of the Jedi Order and a General in the Grand Army of the Republic. Please address him accordingly,” Mace replied sternly.

The medical droid tapped on the datapad again. “My apologies. Knight Skywalker.”

“It doesn’t bother me,” Anakin promised offhandedly. It had simply caught him off-guard, and in his slightly-woozy state, his comment had blurted out before his brain registered it.

“Do we have your permission to continue with the examination, Knight Skywalker?” the droid asked.

Anakin waved them on. “Make it quick,” he warned.

The droid accompanying medical droids began to scan him.

“Please answer these following questions honestly,” the main droid requested. “Have your recently taken any substances illicit in the Republic?”

“Not recently,” Anakin replied smugly.

“Anakin...” Obi Wan warned.

“What, you haven’t tried death sticks? Alderaanian snuff? Kryotin?” Anakin asked innocently.

“No,” Mace snapped, “we haven’t. Some of us  _ obey _ the laws of the Republic.”

Anakin scoffed, not believing that for a second, and made himself comfortable on the gurney.

“Have you eaten in the last standard day?” the droid asked.

“Uhhh, maybe half a ration bar?” Anakin replied, unsure. “I don’t remember.”

“Memory loss is a likely result of your concussion,” the droid concluded. “Have you consumed any alcoholic beverages in the last standard rotation?”

“Yeah, the Republic can’t provide adequate rations for my men, but they’re sending dust juice,” came Anakin’s sarcastic response.

Ki, Mace, and Obi Wan shared an annoyed look, all wondering if they were allowed to punch Anakin or not. Aayla and Ahsoka, on the other hand, were having a great time.

“ _Anakin_ ,” Obi Wan warned.

The young man sighed. “No, I have not consumed an alcoholic beverage in the last standard rotation,” he said, glaring at Obi Wan as he ground out every syllable.

“Are you sexually active?”

Anakin audibly and visibly choked. Aayla and Ahsoka suddenly became  very interested, hoping to get some dirt they could tease him about later.

“ _Uhhh_...” came the high-pitched response.

Mace raised an eyebrow, and by some miracle, his expression actually became  angrier . “Something you’d like to share with us, Skywalker?” he demanded.

Anakin pursed his lips, panicked. He opened his mouth to speak before promptly closing it, wisely re-thinking his words.

“I don’t want to know,” Obi Wan groaned, letting his head fall into his hands.

“Please answer the question,” the medical droid prompted. “Are you sexually active?”

Anakin swallowed. Honesty would ensure his health, apparently, and his pride (not that anyone in this room could  really judge him for potentially not having a sex life). Lying, however, ensured his place in the Jedi Order and kept him from expulsion, as well as keeping his secret marriage hidden another day. Unfortunately, Anakin didn’t really understand medicine, and he figured honesty was probably the best policy.

“Skywalker...” Mace prompted, his voice deep and full of warning.

“Answer the question, Skywalker,” Ki ordered, annoyed at the young man’s unwillingness to comply with authority — not that  that was anything unusual.

Anakin resigned to his fate. “I... _yes?_ ” he squeaked.

Obi Wan shook his head, still hiding his face with his hand, and mumbled something that Anakin couldn’t quite make out, while Ki’s eyes almost fell out of his head. Ahsoka’s expression grew horrified, and Aayla openly burst out laughing, never having seen such a panic written into a person’s expression as there was written into Anakin’s at that exact moment.

“How many different sexual partners would you estimate to have had in the past year?” the medical droid asked.

That was easy. “One,” Anakin replied calmly.

“Well at least he isn’t breaking the code regularly,” Ki sighed.

Anakin wisely remained silent.

“He’s still broken it,” Mace muttered.

The expression Master Windu was wearing was almost enough to make Anakin regret every single decision he had ever made (but only  almost — I mean,  _ have you seen his wife? _ How could he  ever have any regrets when he was married to a literal angel?).

Anakin avoided meeting the gaze of anyone in the room. He had a feeling he was going to be brought in for a  _ very _ uncomfortable Council meeting, as soon as he was medically cleared. For the first time in his life, he hoped he was never allowed to leave the medcentre. Or even better, he hoped the medical droid was going to diagnose him with something likely to kill him within the next twenty-four hours.

“Have you and your partner both been screened for potential sexually transmitted diseases?” the droid asked.

Anakin felt himself go bright red.

Ahsoka was barely able to contain herself. Did she want to hear about her Master’s sex life? _Definitely_ _ not _ _._ But was it hilarious to see him  _ this _ uncomfortable?  _ Of course. _

“I, uh, I, no,” Anakin stammered. “No we haven’t. But I have only ever slept with one person. And I think she was screened before we were— um...”

He caught himself before using the word “married”.

“It is advisable to have this done regularly. Thankfully, our scans have not detected any trace of an STI” the droid said.

“Imagine the headline,” Ahsoka said quietly to Aayla, while muffling a laugh. “ _ Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker, Hero of the Republic, Member of a Celibate Religious Order, Tests Positive for an STI. _ ”

Aayla gave an ugly, choking laugh, taken by surprise with Ahsoka’s comment.

“Must you?” Anakin asked exasperatedly.

“I must,” Ahsoka replied boldly.

Anakin sighed and shook his head. “Any other embarrassing, potentially career-ending questions for me?” he asked the medical droid.

“Yes,” the droid chirped. “Do you maintain a regular exercise regimen?”

“I cut down battle droids for a living, so I’d say yes. Next question,” Anakin snapped.

“Do you face frequent stresses in your day-to-day life?” the droid asked.

“...Did you not hear my response to that last question?”

“Anakin,” Obi Wan warned, for what felt like the hundredth time that day.

Anakin groaned and forced himself to sit upright.

“Can I go?” he asked. “I have a concussion, it’s not a big deal. I’ve had plenty of them.”

“And apparently you have no STI’s, bonus!” Ahsoka teased.

Anakin rolled his eyes.

“I agree, we should return to the Jedi Temple,” Mace suggested. “I believe Skywalker has to go and brush up on the Jedi Code once more.”

Anakin scowled.

“Yes, I agree,” Ki hummed. “We will have to tell the Council. Such actions cannot go unpunished.”

“Now, Masters,” Obi Wan began calmly, trying to save his Padawan for the ninth time, “I would hardly argue that sex equals attachment. Nowhere in our Code does it demand celibacy from us.”

“I think you will find that sexual intimacy is a form of attachment,” Mace argued. “It defies the Code. Skywalker is in violation of our rules, and must be punished.”

Obi Wan paused to gather his thoughts. Evidently, the Code was not as open for interpretation as he had once thought. And he had definitely,  _ definitely _ broken the Jedi Code himself. He pursed his lips and tried to choke down any surprise or worry that his body ached to release into the Force.

“Master Windu is correct,” Ki said. “Attachment in any form is outlawed by the Jedi. Sexual included.”

“...I see,” Obi Wan murmured, still processing.

“See, this is why you guys are all annoying!” Anakin said. “If you all just went and got laid, maybe you’d get the sticks out of your asses and people would like you better!”

“Young Skywalker—“

“Shut up, virgin,” Anakin sneered.

Obi Wan made an almost inhuman noise, begging Anakin to quit whilst he still had  some hope of avoiding expulsion,

Mace squared up, ready to punch the twenty-something idiot. “Listen, Skywalker—“

“No,” Anakin replied boldly.

“Anakin, you have broken our rules,” Ki said diplomatically, hoping that a friendlier approach would get through the boy’s thick skull. “Surely you understand that we cannot allow that to go unpunished? What kind of example would it be setting? Just because you’re the prophesied chosen one, does not mean we can allow you to live by your own rules.”

“Masters, it is  one mistake,” Obi Wan said. “I am not suggesting we allow him to get away with it completely, but surely this is an overreaction?”

“Yeah!” Anakin agreed. “So what, I get laid on the reg and suddenly I’m a villain? Like I commit war crimes almost every day and no one gives a kriff about that?”

“We  _ do _ care about that,” Mace assured him. “You simply commit too many for us to keep track of.”

Anakin shrugged. “Then we can add this to my list to review at a later date.”

“No, this defies the Jedi Code, not Republic law. It concerns us directly,” Ki argued.

Anakin didn’t even know where to begin with answering that one.

“Masters, in such a time of war, surely exceptions can be made?” Obi Wan asked. “We ourselves are all performing acts that are in slight violation of our code. We’re fighting a  war for goodness sake!”

Mace gave him a look so deadly, that if he were anyone else, Obi Wan would have been cowering in his boots.

“Your loyalty to your former apprentice is admirable, Master Kenobi, but it is certainly misguided. Anakin has broken our code; a code that we have upheld for a thousand years! Through wars and famine, our code has remained the same, and Skywalker has outwardly and unapologetically violated it! He must face the Council.”

Obi Wan pursed his lips, to give himself a moment to think of his response. His gut reaction was to fight Mace, but he knew better than to do that. They didn’t call him _the Negotiator_ for nothing.

“I’m simply saying that Anakin remains unattached,” Obi Wan said calmly. “A passing fling, I don’t condone of course, but surely deserves a lesser punishment?”

“That is for the Council to decide,” Mace replied.

Anakin hauled himself upright. “Kriff it, if I’m about to get lumped with six weeks crèche duty or some crap, let’s get it over with,” he muttered.

“Please, Knight Skywalker, we have not finished our examination,” the medical droid said, holding a hand out to try and prevent their patient from leaving.

Anakin scowled at the droid. “Am I going to die?”

“No, however—“

“That’s all I need,” Anakin cut in. “You’ve all had your fun, now let’s go. I’m just concussed.”

He stood up and proved just  how concussed he was. Obi Wan rolled his eyes as Anakin promptly fell to the floor, while Ahsoka made sure she had it on holo.

“This is my punishment for not being a virgin, isn’t it?” Anakin groaned, sprawled out on the floor with not a clue as to how he was supposed to get up.

“Yes,“ Mace muttered.

Ki sighed. “Let’s get him to the Halls of Healing. We shall discuss punishments another day.”

The gang made their way back to the Temple, with Obi Wan and Aayla lugging a barely-conscious Anakin between them. Anakin was left in the Halls of Healing while the Council convened, and Ahsoka took some time to go and show everyone the holovids she had taken at the medcentre.

By the time the Council got around to summoning Anakin, he had disappeared, and his communicator appeared to have broken, as it always seemed to when he was on Coruscant.

“You did not see him leave?” Mace asked Master Che.

“No,” Master Che replied innocently, “though I tend not to keep track of him when he’s in here anymore. It’s too much of a hassle.”

“Well if you happen to see him, have him sent to us. He’s in trouble,” Mace ordered.

“So I was told,” Master Che replied, trying not to laugh. “Honestly, Mace, let the boy be.”

“He broke the Code,” Mace replied firmly.

Master Che’s thoughts drifted back to the start of the Clone Wars, when she saw a recently-amputated Palawan being comforted by a sweet young Senator, and the hundred other times she had seen the two of them together during the war, not-quite-abiding by the Jedi Code. She knew it was wrong. But they were fighting a callous war, and the Jedi had already strayed so far from their mandate, it felt stupid to punish a young man for seeking comfort in the arms of a level-headed, sweet young woman who, quite frankly, was one of the Jedi’s strongest allies.

Master Che sighed and looked away, down to the line of war-damaged patients she had to tend to.

“I know, Mace,” she said, “but look at the state of our Order. Is Anakin taking a lover really our biggest problem right now?”

“The boy has an ego,” Mace muttered. “I don’t want to see it get any larger.”

“That boy is one of the most sensitive, damaged, self-loathing people I have ever met. The ego is a front. If anything, we should be  _ encouraging _ his more narcissistic behaviours, to try and give him some sort of self-confidence! If he ever stayed in here long enough for me to get a proper look into his head, I fear that I would be trying to heal his mind until my death. He needs help. This is how he is coping with the traumas he is seeing and inflicting. As a Jedi, I cannot approve, but as a healer, I must admit that this little  affair of his is helping him.”

Mace trusted Master Che more than almost anyone else in the Temple. She knew all of the Jedi at their weakest, most vulnerable moments. She knew their true selves better than most people. He and Vokara had been raised together in the crèche and ascended to their knighthood at roughly the same time. He had known her for years, and knew just how intelligent she was.

He sighed. “I cannot allow this to go unpunished, Vokara,” he said.

“Crèche duty. Two weeks. And tell him to end the affair. He won’t listen, but at least you have laid the law down.”

“You seem to think this is more than a one-time thing?” Mace asked, surprised.

Master Che raised an eyebrow. “And you do not?”

Mace frowned, troubled. “...I shall do as you have suggested. But if this worsens, if Skywalker—“

“He is smarter than you think,” Master Che promised. “Punish him lightly, and turn a blind eye, Mace. He will understand your heavy hand later, if you go easy now.”

“Very well then,” he relented, against his will.

Of course, there was a war to be fought, and Anakin was the poster boy. His betrayal of the code was quickly forgotten, and his punishment never truly delivered. Another front opened up in the Outer Rim before anyone had been able to find him, and so Knight Skywalker and his Padawan learner were sent to the fight without hesitation. Though they would never admit it, the Jedi Council knew that the war would have been lost over a year ago, if it were not for Anakin Skywalker.


End file.
